Is she really the one?

I’ve been there more than once. She’s seemingly the projection of your deepest dreams and fantasies. The Disney like girl next door or whatever kind of woman you’ve been yearning for. You win her over, one thing leads to another and boom, you’re in a serious relationship.

Through the pink period you’re thinking that things couldn’t be better and she’s all you ever wanted. You naively follow the course.

Blinded by intoxicating love, you don’t see the tsunami heading your way. She’s been trying to suppress her true colors but as your oxytocin(love hormone) is slowly fading month after month you start noticing the flaws.

At first you think the pros outweigh the cons, that despite the flaws she’s worth your time

You stay the course and keep notching the months. By the second year, you start to think that it just isn’t what it used to be but the thought of starting over again keeps you in the relationship. A few more weeks go by and you suddenly notice dark and disturbing personality traits.

You put up and shut up thinking it’s just a phase that will pass. The flaws keep popping up, you search online for advice and help only to realize in the end that she’s not the person that you thought and suffers from some kind of personality disorder. You feel confused and duped. She’s mysteriously unrecognizable. You think”what the fuck changed in the relationship to make her this way?! Is she really the one?!”

So what’s the deal when you think you found the one and she goes Jekyll and Hyde on you? The answer is pretty simple; Blinded by love (and temporarily losing your logic) you didn’t make any significant effort to investigate her past. Too eager to make things work and ecstatic at the idea of finally having a girl truly interested in you, you kind of sort of forgot to look in to her history of mental health.

Understanding her past and the hardships she’s been through can be very helpful in determining who she truly is. Also as important are yellow and red flags you can spot at the beginning of the relationship.

Here are the possible warning signs that will help you detect underlying mental illness in your partner early on:

  • She uses the word”love”very soon, within the first dates. Real love is something that you develop and doesn’t happen within a week. She blurs the line between lust and love. Confusing the latter with the former.
  • She makes her ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands out to be the worst people in the world. The truth is any man who was married to a woman with mental issues had plenty of reasons to be mad or angry.
  • She has a difficult time receiving compliments. Deep down she feels unlovable and defective.
  • She can’t apologize or accept the blame. She has trouble accepting responsibility for her mistakes and her actions.
  • She can be very moody and subject you to periodic outbursts of anger and rage. And like a light switch, she’ll revert back to being delightful.

She uses sexuality not only as an outlet for ecstasy but more so as a tool to control and secure you. She sees sexuality as a means to manipulate and gain power.

She shares details of her promiscuous past. Women who are or were promiscuous often do so to fill an emotional void.

She had sex with you on the first or second date. Although it might sound ideal for most men, women with mental health issues often do so to gain control of you early on.

She buys you gifts at the beginning of the relationship. It’s yet another form of attempting to grab your attention and control you.
She demonstrates excessive jealousy. Also known as delusional jealousy, she may even imagine that you’re being unfaithful when you’re not.

She frequently drinks or uses drugs as a means to escape the reality of the emotional pain she hides

She says things to you early on that no women has told you before. Although you’re a special person, any woman with balanced mental health won’t shower you with the words you’ve been longing to hear your whole life within the first week of knowing you.

She often victimizes herself when speaking about the past. For example she could say something like; “I don’t know what it is about me, I have the worst luck and every man I’ve been with has cheated on me”.

Her ex-spouses may or may not have cheated on her but in likeliness she maybe cheated on them and has a distorted view of the past. Beware of women who always claim to be the victim.

Armed with this knowledge. You should now be better equipped (and not so naive) to identify her true colors. Remember that good women, although a minority, do exist. It’s not a bad thing to have some slight reservations from the start. It’s only natural to protect your heart. Trust must be earned, not given out cheaply like candy.

You don’t have to demonstrate that you’re on guard. If she notices you’re reserved simply tell her it’s nothing personal. That you’ve been hurt in the past and you’re simply protecting your most precious asset, your heart.